New Health Center Witch Doctor Not Working Out as Planned

GRANVILLE, OH–Correcting what has appeared to be an exercise in terrible judgment, Paul Harrison, the new Denison University Whisler Health Center witch doctor, will be let go at the end of next week.
        "We had been thinking about hiring a new doctor for a long time," said Sonya Turner-Murray, the director of Denison's Health and Human Services.  "We thought that the addition of Dr. Harrison would be beneficial for all involved, bringing an aspect of diversity that we believed we were lacking in our medical department."

        Paul Harrison (pictured), real name Adetokunbo Harrison Madubuike, was met with much skepticism from the student body.  "I went in for a cough drop on my way to class and I was in there for four hours," said junior Jay Hurst.  "And he wouldn't... stop... screaming."
        "I broke my leg when I fell down the hill the other day and I went to Dr. Harrison for some help," stated junior Josh Zingg, "but all he did was rub some crushed Taheebo tree bark on it and make me drink some tea made out of crushed Taheebo tree bark.  Now my leg is gangrenous, and it needs to be amputated.  Thanks a lot, bitch doctor."
        Turner-Murray tried to shed some light on how the health center made its decision to let Paul go.  "We hired Dr. Harrison on the basis that he had graduated with honors from the Harvard School of Witchcraft and Medicine, which we now know to be an utterly false establishment.  Also, we noticed his degree was written in an ink of berry juice on dried animal skins."