Recession Generating More Attractive, Well-groomed Homeless People – With more business-types losing their jobs and homes, the nation’s homeless are looking pretty dapper. Focus on how “you can’t even tell they’re homeless,” and that the pre-recession homeless can’t compete against panhandlers dressed in suits, with nice haircuts and manicures.
New Engineless Plane Impervious To Bird-related Mishaps – New plane without any engines can’t get geese caught in engines. However, since it can’t fly it has to be fairly small. What results is a semi-truck-sized plane that lumbers slowly down the road. It’s hailed as a “crowning avian achievement,” putting people’s minds at ease with the next step in modern flight.
Gay Senator Denies Allegations Of Heterosexuality – Similar to the Sen. Craig debacle, only the opposite. A senator has been accused of trying to pick up women. He issues a public statement (with his partner) that he would never do such a thing; he’s just friendly to women, not attracted to them. We get negative reactions from the gay community, as well as positive reactions from the less-tolerant members of the straight community.
Cloned Eggos Just Repackaged Mini-Eggos, Waffle Experts Say – Although Kellogg’s says they have new Cloned Eggos, all the experts believe they’re probably just the Mini-Eggos in different boxes. The public, however, is thrilled that the future is here. Still, scientists maintain that Kellogg’s probably does not have cloning technology, and if they do could they please share it with the rest of the world.
Obama Sick Of White House Staff Addressing Him As “Boooyyyyeeeeee!” – The president’s staff is getting too comfortable pointing out Obama’s “blackness.” Statements from Obama could include things like, “It was funny at first, but now it’s clearly racist, and it needs to stop.” Focus on how staff waits for his grammar to slip up, asks him to speak quieter and pull his pants up, tries to make him laugh to see if he runs away a few feet and then comes back.
No One Has The Fucking Time To Deal With Goddamn Bacon Anymore – In today’s hectic world, people find they have less time to deal with bacon. Well, yeah, no shit: It takes too fucking long to prepare, and if it spends one fucking second too long on the stove it’s fucking ruined and then what the hell are we supposed to eat? Polls show that pre-cooked microwave bacon is just as good and is so much fucking easier.
Baghdad Virgin Megastore Offers “The Widest And Finest Selection Of Supple Virgins This Side Of The Euphrates” – Suicide bombers can go pick out the virgins they will get in heaven. After they complete their missions the Megastore is notified and the virgins are killed. We talk to one suicide bomber, who was worried about leaving the “virgin thing” up to Allah, but is relieved now that he can choose them himself.
FOX Cancels “So You Think You Can Outrun A Cheetah?” – The new game show pit teams of D-list celebrities and track stars against each other and a cheetah. But due to its extremely low ratings, and extremely high amounts of bloodshed, FOX has pulled it from the lineup. A FOX spokesperson states that they didn’t realize the demographic was so non-existent, or the cheetah so hungry.
Edible Underwear Sales Skyrocket As Economy Worsens – This recession is the best thing that ever happened to the edible underwear industry. More and more people are resorting to wearing edible underwear and then eating it for dinner. The edible underwear industry is working on exciting new products, like reusable edible underwear and a five-course edible outfit. Perhaps talks of Wonder Bread getting in on it, making edible Wonder-wear.
Who’s Nailin’ Paylin Producers Greenlight Sonya Sodomizer – After the huge success of the Who’s Nailin’ Paylin porno, the same people are bringing you another politically inspired adult film. The producers enjoy telling a story with a political message and strong female lead, and the public enjoys watching a chubby Latina bisexual ram dildos in every member of the Supreme Court.
