Tony the Tiger Mauls Three Children

BURBANK, CA – Three children are in critical condition after being attacked by Frosted Flakes spokesman Tony the Tiger, in what has turned out to be the worst animated tiger cereal spokesman related act of violence in recent memory.
        The incident took place during a television commercial shoot, in which Tony was supposed to surprise three siblings with a big box of Frosted Flakes for breakfast.
       “Everything was going really well,” stated Tony’s handler, Simone Bremner, “it was just like any other shoot. But I noticed something start to go wrong when instead of running in next to the kids, Tony jumped on the table and growled.”
       Kellogg’s is extremely remorseful, but insists that animal rights helped play a hand in the tragedy. “You wouldn’t have seen this back in 1952 [when Tony first appeared],” said Kellogg’s representative, Daryl Schumacher. “Back then Tony would be so tired and so beaten he’d barely know what was going on. We had him whipped into shape. But wham! PETA comes along, slaps a lawsuit on us, and now three kids are missing half their faces.”
       It was indeed a malicious assault. After jumping on the table Tony pounced on the three children, able to cover all of them with his massive body. He then began tearing away their flesh, growling his trademark–and in this case horrifically ironic–growl, “They’re grrreat!”
       Bremner showed little surprise in retrospect. “What people forget is that Tony is a wild animal. He’s not supposed to be selling cereal; he’s supposed to be in his natural habitat. So when he saw, what were to him, three tasty animals, the predator in him naturally came out.  We should all be thankful it didn’t come out a lot sooner.”
       The three children, whose names are being kept from the public, are being held in the Los Angeles Children’s Hospital. Tony is being held at the Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical Gardens under round-the-clock security. He is scheduled to be put down later this week.