Things That Should Never Be #1

This kid sitting behind me in the library has that Eurodance remix of "Cotton-Eyed Joe" as his ring tone.

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WHAT THE FUCK?!

Tony the Tiger Mauls Three Children

BURBANK, CA – Three children are in critical condition after being attacked by Frosted Flakes spokesman Tony the Tiger, in what has turned out to be the worst animated tiger cereal spokesman related act of violence in recent memory.
        The incident took place during a television commercial shoot, in which Tony was supposed to surprise three siblings with a big box of Frosted Flakes for breakfast.
       “Everything was going really well,” stated Tony’s handler, Simone Bremner, “it was just like any other shoot. But I noticed something start to go wrong when instead of running in next to the kids, Tony jumped on the table and growled.”
       Kellogg’s is extremely remorseful, but insists that animal rights helped play a hand in the tragedy. “You wouldn’t have seen this back in 1952 [when Tony first appeared],” said Kellogg’s representative, Daryl Schumacher. “Back then Tony would be so tired and so beaten he’d barely know what was going on. We had him whipped into shape. But wham! PETA comes along, slaps a lawsuit on us, and now three kids are missing half their faces.”
       It was indeed a malicious assault. After jumping on the table Tony pounced on the three children, able to cover all of them with his massive body. He then began tearing away their flesh, growling his trademark–and in this case horrifically ironic–growl, “They’re grrreat!”
       Bremner showed little surprise in retrospect. “What people forget is that Tony is a wild animal. He’s not supposed to be selling cereal; he’s supposed to be in his natural habitat. So when he saw, what were to him, three tasty animals, the predator in him naturally came out.  We should all be thankful it didn’t come out a lot sooner.”
       The three children, whose names are being kept from the public, are being held in the Los Angeles Children’s Hospital. Tony is being held at the Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical Gardens under round-the-clock security. He is scheduled to be put down later this week.

Bullfriends #1

Bush, Cheney Made Love After Every State of the Union

WASHINGTON, D.C.–In what became a regular tradition for the pair, President Bush and Vice President Cheney made sweet, passionate love after the president's final State of the Union address.
        Bush and Cheney's ability to keep their lovemaking sessions a secret was due to their incredible discreetness and professionalism concerning the matter.  But those last few years of secrecy came to a crashing end when it seemed Bush could just not contain himself during the speech.

        "Tonight," Bush stated, "I want to discuss three economic reforms that deserve to be priorities for this Congress.  First, we must balance the federal budget. We can do so without raising boners–I mean taxes!  Without raising taxes."

        It was only one of many slip-ups that were to plague the president's speech.  During the evening he constantly referred to education as "sex education," snickered everytime he said "size," and while talking about his health care plan he stated, "My second proposal is to help the states that are coming up with innovative ways to cover the uninsured.  Heh, like after the last speech, man, Cheney found some innovative ways to cover me with–I mean, Vice President Cheney is a, a, a great guy.  I'n't he?"  He then covered the mic and glanced over at Cheney, whispering, "Phew, that was a close one," to which Cheney just put his head in his hands and grunted.
        The pair was forced to admit to their affair yesterday after speculation of the romance spread quickly throughout Capitol Hill.  In an effort to clear the air, as well as distill any rumors that were floating around, the vice president held a press conference early this morning.

        "It's really not that big of a deal, and in no way is it romantic.  It's just two men who work together very closely enjoying a special bond–humping."  Cheney explained how he had always had a fascination with his daughter's lesbianism, adding that, "maybe there was something to that whole gay thing."
        When asked for details into the bedroom goings-on, Cheney was vague at best.  He did however say that it rarely took place in a bedroom, and that it consisted mostly of the two 69'ing while calling each other dirty names, "Madam Speaker" being a new favorite ever since Nancy Pelosi was elected.

Fashionisto

Today the pattern on my shoes matched the pattern on my underwear! And I didn't even try!

New Health Center Witch Doctor Not Working Out as Planned

GRANVILLE, OH–Correcting what has appeared to be an exercise in terrible judgment, Paul Harrison, the new Denison University Whisler Health Center witch doctor, will be let go at the end of next week.
        "We had been thinking about hiring a new doctor for a long time," said Sonya Turner-Murray, the director of Denison's Health and Human Services.  "We thought that the addition of Dr. Harrison would be beneficial for all involved, bringing an aspect of diversity that we believed we were lacking in our medical department."

        Paul Harrison (pictured), real name Adetokunbo Harrison Madubuike, was met with much skepticism from the student body.  "I went in for a cough drop on my way to class and I was in there for four hours," said junior Jay Hurst.  "And he wouldn't... stop... screaming."
        "I broke my leg when I fell down the hill the other day and I went to Dr. Harrison for some help," stated junior Josh Zingg, "but all he did was rub some crushed Taheebo tree bark on it and make me drink some tea made out of crushed Taheebo tree bark.  Now my leg is gangrenous, and it needs to be amputated.  Thanks a lot, bitch doctor."
        Turner-Murray tried to shed some light on how the health center made its decision to let Paul go.  "We hired Dr. Harrison on the basis that he had graduated with honors from the Harvard School of Witchcraft and Medicine, which we now know to be an utterly false establishment.  Also, we noticed his degree was written in an ink of berry juice on dried animal skins."