A Reading of Nicholas Bailey's New One-Act Play, "A Pie Right in the Kisser"

LIGHTS UP on a playwriting class in a small office library. The walls are lined with plays and various theatre texts. There is a long wooden table. Around it sit, in counterclockwise order, ARTHUR KOPIT, the professor; students KIM, DAVIS, NICK, DUSTIN, STEPH, STEPHANIE, BEN, DANYA, KATHLEEN, LAURA, LISA, BRANDALL, KATIE, and JORDAN; and a young professor, ELENI PAPALEONARDOS.

ARTHUR
Alright. Who has something to share today?

NICK
I have another worst play I wrote.

ARTHUR
Let’s have it.

NICK
OK, um, I guess there’s only—well, there’re really two roles, kind of. Davis, if you’ll read Theodore, and Arthur, if you just wanna read the stage directions.

(He hands out the scripts and they begin to read.)

ARTHUR
“‘A Pie Right in the Kisser.’ Lights up on the inside of a house located in Midwestern America middle-class suburbia. Upstage center there is the front door. To the right of it stands a hat and coat rack. There are also some hooks on the wall, in case extra places to hang hats and coats are needed besides the rack. There is one man’s coat and one woman’s coat hanging somewhere; the rack or the hooks, it doesn’t matter. Downstage center is the living room. It is comprised of one large couch, one loveseat, one chair, a large coffee table, and two small stands, each with a lamp on it. The couches are of a contemporary design, with an almost tweed-like appearance, and have an attractive tan color (note that there can be hints of other colors as well, as long as they go with tan. There is nothing more unsightly than an ill-decorated room). The design of the coffee table is of no importance (oval, rectangular, glass-top, etc.), but there should be several coffee table books on it, filled with photography of exotic places and cultures from around the world. The lamps shouldn’t be too big or too small, but instead should look as though they were made to be placed on those particular stands (i.e. just the right size).

It should be noted that both the large couch and loveseat have a few throw pillows on them, all in a complimentary color scheme. There is also a blanket with fringes draped over the chair, in case anyone sitting in the chair should get cold and require a blanket. Of course, it should be supposed that anyone else in a different part of the house might go up and get the blanket, whether or not that person is planning on sitting in that particular chair, either presently, momentarily, or much later in the day. Basically, this is a blanket that should be able to be moved if need be.

There is a door leading to a study stage right. We never see fully inside of it, but a bookcase, table or something in the back of the room should be present so that, when the door opens, we know that this room is in fact a study.

Upstage left there is a dining room. There should be no wall or door separating the living room from the dining room, but instead they should be two distinct halves of the same room. The dining room contains, of course, a dining room table complete with six chairs. An oval table would be best; the kind that you can pull apart to add extra leaves, in case you need to accommodate more guests than you’re used to having. An expensive yet tasteful chandelier perches over the center of the table. It does not contain candles, however, but lights shaped like candles, which gives the same affect without the hassle of hot, dripping wax. Sitting on the center of the table are two slightly used red candles in attractive brass candlesticks. The table itself should not actually be set for dinner. No tablecloth.

There is a swinging door leading to the kitchen stage left, although we never actually see the inside of it. After we get a glimpse of the study we will assume that this must be the kitchen, because rarely are kitchens located on the second floor.

Upstage right there is a staircase leading to this proposed second floor. Family photos hang on the wall, lining the staircase. The photos contain various combinations of a husband, wife, a young boy, a young girl, and a dog (something small and terrier-like). At the bottom of the stairs there is a table with a lamp, a bowl containing potpourri, and a basket that the mail is kept in. A letter opener could be placed on the table, although it is not necessary.

It should be noted that some of the walls of the house are light yellow, some are taupe, and the trim is white. The carpet should be an attractive tan color, though not the same as the couches. I will reiterate a previous point: there is nothing more unsightly than an ill-decorated room.

Somewhere in the vicinity of the living room, dining room, and kitchen door there should be a modern yet modest entertainment center, containing a CD player, several CD’s, and some quality audio speakers. This center should be of a lovely cherry wood color. The CD player is playing a Mozart piano concerto. It is not important which one; there are more than plenty from which to choose, and they basically all sound the same anyway. Suddenly, the DOORBELL RINGS! A man calls from the study off stage right.”

DAVIS (as MAN’S VOICE)
“I’ll get it!”

ARTHUR
“The voice belongs to Theodore, who emerges from the study stage right and goes to answer the door. He is dressed in dark brown corduroy pants with a red plaid shirt tucked into it. He also wears a pair of brown deck shoes with a matching brown belt. A navy blue blazer is optional, but strongly encouraged. Theodore opens the door, and...

WHAM! He’s hit in the face with a BANANA CREAM PIE! Right in the kisser! The pie-thrower is never seen. The Mozart immediately stops, as if someone pulled the needle off a record, making that obnoxious scratching noise.

It should be noted that the pie filling is to be very smooth, completely free of banana bumps. The brand of pie is of no consequence, although a better pie will make for a happier actor, who has to get hit in the face with said pie.

Theodore closes the door and turns around to face the audience. He draws a finger along the side of his face and tastes the gooey goodness. He is noticeably upset (or at least as noticeable as one can be when one’s face is covered in baked goods).”

DAVIS (as THEODORE)
“I asked for chocolate!”

ARTHUR
“A brass bellow: WAH WAH WAH! Blackout. End of play.”

(looks over his glasses, smiles)

You’re on to something here.

(The rest of the class stands and applauds. Nick rises from his chair, accepting the accolades as graciously as he can. The cheering from the class slowly morphs into that of a thunderous crowd, while multi-colored confetti and balloons emblazoned with pictures of Nick’s face fall from the ceiling. The students hoist Nick into the air. Everyone starts to move in slow motion, and the applause swells as...

Lights fade.)

End of play